Dear Mr Packer Kerry Dad,

Okay, um, this is really hard for me to write. All these years… All those buried emotions… Whoa. Okay, deep breath. Here we go.

I know it will surprise you to read this, not least of all because you are dead. Which reminds me, I meant to come to the funeral but, you know, it’s complicated. I had a lot on that week and- well I won’t bore you with the details.

I wanted to write sooner, I really did, but I just couldn’t find the words. Maybe I shouldn’t have waited so long but now I feel like I’m finally ready. A lot of my friends told me it was too late but I believe it’s never too late to express your feelings, right Dad?

Dad…?

Oh yeah, sorry.

Anyhoo, so I was going through a few old photos the other day and I came across this one of you and mum - Boy, you were both a lot thinner in those days weren’t you? - and I thought now is probably the time to, you know, square things up.

I know you may not remember me, as I was very young when we last saw each other _ indeed, depending on your religious beliefs you might argue that I hadn’t yet been conceived. However I don’t think that this should prevent us from having a normal, loving father-son relationship _ notwithstanding your current circumstances.

Problem is I was chatting to James about the whole thing and he seemed a little bit unclear on the precise, you know, “genetic connection’’. I did tell him that it didn’t matter as long as we loved each other but there was a misunderstanding of some kind and the police got involved.

I met up with Gretel as well and that was also a tad problematic. I won’t go into it, suffice to say I figured out she was my sister just in time.

So as you can imagine I’m naturally a bit anxious to get this whole thing sorted out. I’ve also got to renew my driver’s licence in a couple of weeks and I want to make sure all the paperwork’s in order. You know that nice feeling you get when you’re all organised?

Anyway, I’m a bit new to this whole thing so I’m not sure of the usual way to go about it. I could just email you my bank account details if that’s easiest or a cheque is fine too - although I reckon the processing fee would be a bit hefty, eh? Those banking bastards are always skimming something off the top, right Dad?

Sorry, forgot again.

So I guess the only thing left to discuss now is, um… Boy, this is awkward. I mean how do you put a dollar figure on, you know, the love of a father for his son?

Luckily it turns out I’ve done a bit of research into that question and the answer is “by hiring a lawyer”. My silk has figured it’s probably in the ball park of say, $100m or so, or 80 mill plus the Arctic Pea. What were you thinking with that name by the way?

Well, I feel like I could just talk to you forever but I suppose I’d better go. If you haven’t finished your lunch by 2pm they don’t let you into the exercise yard.

Hope to hear from you soon. Give my best to Jimi - or did you guys end up in separate places?

Your loving son,